Obama's News Conference: Translated

As with everything Barack Obama says, one needs to strip the glowing veneer from his earnest vernacular to realize exactly what he is saying, or planning. Once again, we provide you with this public service at no charge as we work through his press conference today at the White House. No direct transcript yet, so we'll take the blow-by-blow from CBS reporter and Obama aficianado Mark Knoller's Twitter account:

Obama also delivers pitch for the legislation he wants to "spark a clean energy transformation."

Translated: pass the Waxman-Markey energy-rationing bill, 'cause I need the tax revenue to pay for my nationalization of health care. And who called it a 1201-page economic suicide note, anyway? ACORN's gonna find you, brother...

Obama also calls for enactment of comprehensive health care reform,. and says he hopes for quick congressional progress.

Translated: We need to do this stimulus-style. A bill so big nobody can read or understand it, but will be voted for based on ideology rather than reality. By the time anyone reads the damn thing, we'll control 20% of the economy!

Obama disputes that it took him a long-time to express outrage at situation in Iran. "I don't think that's accurate," he said.

Translation: I hate 3AM phone calls! I just hide under the covers until the phone stops ringing..

If government offers public health care plan, Obama says "why would it drive private insurance out of business?".

Translation: Obama translates this himself: Obama says the public plan is an "important tool to discipline insurance companies."

Which also translates this remark: Obama insists: "our position is that a public plan makes sense." After all, if you are trying to "discipline" insurance companies, what better way than to set up a competitor with ulimited taxpayer funding?

Obama says in the absence of his first econ stimulus – the recession would have been much worse; more layoffs.

Translation: Think of how bad things would be for my friends, cronies, and political connections if I didn't funnel them $787 billion in taxpayer monies!

Obama says "there are significant questions about the legitimacy of the Iran election..."

Translation: Questions that will be resolved in the affirmative as soon as President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stops playing hard to get and finally agrees to a date with me.


I hope this proved to be a valuable service to you. If there are any questions about the translations provided herin, or if you feel some pjrase or wording has been incorrectly or incompletly translated, please feel free to note them in the comments section below...